I wish I could teleport
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
