Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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