you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
