this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
