Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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