I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
