Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Girls should come with a carfax report
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
