The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
