On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
