dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
