Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
