every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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