mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
