My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
