Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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