i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
