Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
