So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
