Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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