I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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