dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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