Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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