Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
