I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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