I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
