i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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