I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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