do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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