it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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