I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
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