I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
