I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
