I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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