i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
