I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
they're like a gay fantastic four
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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