i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
