I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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