The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
