Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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