Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
