I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
