this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
