just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
