i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize