I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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