I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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