I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
