shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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