Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
