I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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