i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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