Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
