Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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