Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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