You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
