there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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