I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
