God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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