Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's never too late to be topless.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
