so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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