Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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