oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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