i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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