My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
