What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Don't make out with my wife yet
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
