Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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