I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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