Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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