After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i love accidental penises.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
