yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
