I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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