Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
