apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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