I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
